where I've been

I really need to write more consistently.  I can't possibly update on everything that has happened since the last time I posted.  The short version: I'm having a hell of a time getting over someone and every time he reappears I convince myself that he has finally changed, yet he has not.  On top of that: work is rapidly changing and school is rapidly coming to a close.

I went back to therapy about a month ago.  Just in time for he who I can't get over to reappear and disappear again.  Each time he disappears hurts more than the last.  Each time he does something even more manipulative that makes me think there is a part of him that just enjoys hurting me.  This time he created a tale of depression and unhappiness that was overpowering his life and his ability to maintain relationships.  All the while, he was out galavanting and having fun with various friends and texting or calling me saying "I'm just so down. I want to be alone today." What kind of person does that? Is he so sick that he needed me to feel sorry for him?  I don't know and I don't know why I keep going back.  It's so easy for outsiders to say "ignore him" "get over him" "move on."  But they don't live with the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that builds inside me screaming all sorts of irrational beliefs about myself and my worth.

When I saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I didn't like it all that much. But oh how I wish it was possible to erase a person from my memory; to not replay conversations, feel anger, hatred, sadness and loneliness all at the same time.  I know some day I will reach that point, but I want it to be now.

thankful tuesday

Today, I am thankful for:

• Possible changes coming up at work
• Halfway through the semester
• Hope
• Pinterest
• We have had such little snow this winter
• Technology
• Going to Maine in a few weeks
• Moving on
• The kiddos

thankful tuesday

Today, I am thankful for:

• Advil
• Mental Health Days
• Technology
• I have the whole weekend off
• Friends who understand how crappy I feel right now
• Trying to push through no matter how crappy I may feel
• AAD's birthday is tomorrow!
• Mozzarella sticks
• Spell-check
• Finally letting go of my old blogs means I'm also letting go of an old relationship

funk

I'm so unmotivated. I know part of it is that I'm not feeling very good about myself lately (I have crazy ex to thank for that one).  I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I'm definitely not feeling great about myself or anything I have going on at the moment with work, school or just in life.  The psychic life coach yells at me about intentions and desperation--I'm doing my best! I write in a gratitude journal every day, and I'm trying to be clearer about intentions and what I want.  But F***, I am still not very happy and that has to be okay/allowed...for now.  Weekdays are better. But weeknights and weekends...holy hell...it is torture.  I just want to hit the fast forward button and skip to the part where I feel better.

weekends

I just got the inevitable Any fun plans this weekend? I despise that question.  I don't have "fun" weekends.  I literally sit my ass on the couch and read or write for the entire two days; with intermittent breaks to run errands, clean and do laundry.

This is what my life has become and will continue to be for at least 3 more years.  I chose to get back to school and I am okay with the time commitment.  I just wish everyone else was.  I cannot tell you the amount of backlash I've gotten from family, friends, dates, coworkers that usually sounds like c'mon you can't be that busy.  But I am, and the fact that they don't accept it and/or don't respect it is absolutely infuriating to me.

who am i and what am i doing here?

I do think my blog description sums me up fairly well.  I have been blogging for about three years, maybe a bit more.  However, my crazy ex (I know, we all have one) just can't see to stay away from my former blog and it just brings up old/bad shi**.  In an attempt to truly move on...here I am.

Blogging for me is cathartic.  It's a place for me to vent my frustration(s) without fear of judgement or retribution.  I'm not writing for you or for anyone else, so don't expect perfection or consistent political correctness.

Thankful Tuesday

Today, I am thankful for:

• Finally letting go of my old blog and moving on to something new
• Excedrin
• Hope
• Good friends
• Coffee
• New budgeting software
• Quiet day at work (which I needed)
• Had a nice lunch with a coworker
• Sleep
• Pretty things