I really need to write more consistently. I can't possibly update on everything that has happened since the last time I posted. The short version: I'm having a hell of a time getting over someone and every time he reappears I convince myself that he has finally changed, yet he has not. On top of that: work is rapidly changing and school is rapidly coming to a close.
I went back to therapy about a month ago. Just in time for he who I can't get over to reappear and disappear again. Each time he disappears hurts more than the last. Each time he does something even more manipulative that makes me think there is a part of him that just enjoys hurting me. This time he created a tale of depression and unhappiness that was overpowering his life and his ability to maintain relationships. All the while, he was out galavanting and having fun with various friends and texting or calling me saying "I'm just so down. I want to be alone today." What kind of person does that? Is he so sick that he needed me to feel sorry for him? I don't know and I don't know why I keep going back. It's so easy for outsiders to say "ignore him" "get over him" "move on." But they don't live with the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that builds inside me screaming all sorts of irrational beliefs about myself and my worth.
When I saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I didn't like it all that much. But oh how I wish it was possible to erase a person from my memory; to not replay conversations, feel anger, hatred, sadness and loneliness all at the same time. I know some day I will reach that point, but I want it to be now.
No comments:
Post a Comment